Some people apologize even when they have been hurt by others. Psychologists explain how this constant feeling of guilt develops and how we can be freed from it

A cold look, an unanswered message, or an unusual tone of speech. Sometimes it’s enough to start blaming ourselves: Maybe I should have acted differently.

Even when reason tells us that we have done nothing wrong, guilt persists. We return to conversations, analyze each word, and seek mistakes that may not exist.

Psychologists explain that this pattern of thought often develops gradually through childhood experiences, family relationships, and the way we learn to gain love and acceptance.

When a child learns to feel responsible for the emotions of others

Children are not born with the conviction that they are guilty of everything that happens around them. Such obedience can be formed by messages that are constantly heard.

Look how upset I am, because of you, I’m nervous, if you’d been nice, that wouldn’t have happened.

Parents don’t usually say that to hurt their child. However, their repetition may lead him to believe that he is responsible for the emotional state of adults.

In adulthood, this appears in various ways. The partner is upset, and we immediately look for our own fault. A friend does not answer, and we feel that we have offended him. A colleague is unhappy and we feel compelled to improve the situation.

Of course, temperament, school experiences, criticism, and later relationships also affect the creation of these models.

What did scientists discover about guilt?

One met-analysis published on Child Development He examined 65 research samples with a total of 19,144 participants.

The results showed that troubled parent-child relations were linked to higher levels of shame and inappropriate guilt. Meanwhile, positive relations were related to healthier forms of personal responsibility.

However, statistical ties were relatively small, and the study does not testify that the way of education necessarily causes emotional difficulties.

Why is it sometimes easier to blame ourselves?

At first glance it seems paradoxical. Why does a person take the blame for something he did not cause?

A psychological explanation relates to the need for control.

If we believe that an unpleasant event occurred because of us, we may feel that next time we are able to prevent it.

But the acceptance that some things are out of our control is much harder.

People can leave even when we’ve been good to them. Someone might get angry without being in charge. Loss, sickness, and failures are not necessarily the result of our actions.

Hence, fear of uncertainty, rejection, or loss of control may remain behind constant self – justification.

It’s not the same as I’m not worth it.

Psychology makes an important distinction between guilt and shame.

The blame primarily relates to one act: I did something wrong. He may be helpful because he urges us to apologize and to correct our conduct.

Shame affects the way we see ourselves: I’m not good enough.

The problem begins when a common mistake turns into the belief that we do not deserve respect, love, or understanding.

How do we stop taking the blame for everything?

The change begins with a simple question: What am I really responsible for in this situation? )

If someone is disappointed by our decision, it does not mean that we have erred. If we refuse a request, it does not mean that we are selfish.

Another step is not to apologize for our needs, limits, or thoughts.

It is equally important to develop greater compassion for ourselves.

One Other met-analysis, with data from 19 studies and 1,350 participants, it showed that self – compassion – centered interventions can significantly reduce self – criticism.

A helpful exercise is to ask ourselves: Would I tell a friend what I keep telling myself? )

When Guilt Feeling Becomes an Emotional Burden

Repeated guilt is a normal part of life. But when it becomes daily, sleeping, relationships, or the ability to make decisions can be beneficial.

The therapy helps identify automatic thoughts and build a more realistic report of personal responsibility.

Because we cannot make everyone happy, prevent any losses, or solve any problems.

We’re not responsible for everything that happens to us. And we don’t have to live by constantly apologizing for things we haven’t caused. /Telegraphy/